kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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