i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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