I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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