I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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