Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize