The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
