I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
