Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize