I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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