you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
