You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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