Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
