everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
