Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
she was so not down for the gang bang
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
