you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
