Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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