My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize