I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
