From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize