I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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