I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
