the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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