Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
