I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
