smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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