I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
