Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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