hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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