My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
