The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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