Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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