i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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