are you still at the devil's house?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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