All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
