U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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