You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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