Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
