Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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