i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
