You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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