Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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