There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
