Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
