just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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