I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
