Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize