just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
