you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
