If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
they're like a gay fantastic four
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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