You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
