Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
