She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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