literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
