he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
