I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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