If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
