She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
