end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize