wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
