Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
