A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm at about main and main street
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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