no, he came in my armpit
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
