I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
